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Alone again

Alone again - Caroline Smith

How can I put into words all the turmoil I am experiencing? The past few days have brought so many changes! I need time to sort things out. To understand what really happened. To get a sense of where I am and what I need to do from my own. I do not like to take any hasty decision.

When I am angered or upset, my judgement is clouded. Throughout the years I learnt not to take any major decisions right away. I considered it is better to take some time and think about it. Analyze what I could gain or lose from taking that decision or not.

Now that we had a huge fight and we ended up saying things we regretted, the damage is done. There is no way to take back all of that. There is no magical spell to undo the damage. We will have to pick up the broken pieces and see where to go from there.

We are not kids anymore. It’s not that easy to erase something out of your mind. I personally felt I had the rug pulled from under my feet. I didn't even know what hit me. At the beginning I was not able to understand why he was so annoyed with everything I had to say.

Now that the bandaid is ripped off, and we layed out our true colors, I hope there is still something that we could do about it. Maybe we’ll manage to stay friends at least!

I started to write down whatever I felt because I wanted to get it out of my head.Writing helps me clear my mind, find my peace. I need to have a clear idea of what to expect from all this nonsense.

Yesterday I wrote about ten pages. Ten pages of raw emotions. I did feel better after I wrote them. Sort of, out of sight, out of mind. Or the other way around.

I think that tonight I might go see my friends. After my class at the endurance training Mississauga, I might pass by Cindy’s house. I need a friend, someone to listen to me and tell me that I am not crazy.

Cindy has always been there for me. Plus she knows most of our stories, as she’s my best friend. I imagine she won’t be too shocked to hear the news that we went separate ways.

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