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Unhappy, but getting better

Unhappy, but getting better - Caroline Smith

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my life, about the fact that I am not where I would like to be. As much as I tried to kid myself and sugar coat the story, the bitter taste of unhappiness always comes up. I AM NOT HAPPY! There you go! I said it out loud. Most likely because I find it has a liberating effect.

For more than a decade I constantly tried to make things work. I tried so hard to please everyone around that I forgot about myself. I muted my own wishes and hopes. I told myself that it was worth. I believed that my sacrifice will pay off. It didn’t. Nothing did. As a matter of fact, it just made things harder.

Like in any abusive relationship, the more I gave, lesser I got. Month after month my self-esteem decreased, until I actually started to believe that my voice did not count. Years later when I had a revelation and suddenly woke up, I saw how awful was my situation. Yes, I had hit rock bottom.

When that happened, I realized that I had no one around me that I could have turned to. All of my friends and family members had given up on me. I did not blame them. They were all fed up with my husband’s rudeness.

In a twisted sort of way, not having anyone around was a blessing in disguise. It pushed me to get better and faster on my own. I learnt that there was only me that I could count on. That was the biggest and most important lesson of my life. Not expecting anything from anyone was the second.

Now when I am in the process of rediscovering myself, a lot of painful memories are coming back. Memories of events that I did not take the time to analyze and file within a drawer of my brain. I simply tried to forget them because I could not bear the thought that the love of my life was the main source of my unhappiness.

Once I got the courage to leave him and moved out, I focused mainly on my work. I didn’t tell anyone that we were no longer together. Who was I going to tell the news? I no longer had friends. My family did not wish to have anything to do with me. They found out only recently when I went to do a Dental prosthesis Boisbriand. That’s where I ran into my dad. My dentist`s office. When he asked me how I was, I replied: “divorced”. His jaw dropped.

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