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Where are we going?

Where are we going? - Caroline Smith

I'm not sure I like this arrangement anymore. When I agreed for my husband to fill the papers for his group training Mississauga, things were different. My work schedule wasn’t as crazy as now, he was more time at home and we had more time to spend together. Now we barely see each other. 

We have the same address on our I.D.s but except that, we live like two roomies who work on different shifts. We meet on our way in or out. Usually he comes home when I am already in bed, almost falling asleep. I leave early morning when he is fast asleep. We communicate through text or voice messages via WhatsApp and some post-it notes left on the fridge.

Yes, I am a bit old fashioned. I still like to write using a pen in my hand.

When I think of it, the only times that I actually write with a pen is when I leave messages for my husband or when I help my daughters with their home works. Other than that, I am always typing on a device such as the phone, tablet, laptop or computer. I guess everyone does it. Without noticing we transitioned into the new digital era.

I have two more weeks of vacation left which I am planning to take in December. I was hoping that we could go somewhere all of us, but it looks that won’t happen anytime soon. I have a feeling that I will have to go only with the girls, without him. It would be the second time when we are not spending the holidays together.

I miss feeling like a family, sharing things, thoughts, worries. Currently it feels as if I am a single mom and I don’t like it. I did not get married and brought two kids into this world to do everything all by myself. I may be strong, but that doesn’t mean I would not appreciate some help.

When my mother invited us to spend Xmas at her cottage, it was hard to keep the truth from her. I could not tell her that I was under the impression our marriage was falling apart, that we were distancing more and more one from another. If I would have let her know how I felt, it would have made her worry even more for me. That’s not what I wanted for her, given her condition. She needs to rest not to stress.

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